HARRINGTON ARTWERKES BOOKSELLERS PRESENTS:
THE PLANTATION
A New Stageplay by Mary Harrington
Cast of Characters
(8M, 4W, 2 interior)
Jimmy Jon, male, real estate agent, 30-40 years old.
Calvin, male, real estate agent, 30-40 years old.
James Finnerty, (husband of Alice) male, mystery novel writer, 45-50 years old.
Alice Finnerty, female, artist, 45-50 years old.
Phyllis Malone, (sister of Alice Finnerty) female, scatterbrain, 45-55 years old.
Billy Tyler, aka “Mr. Ace”, male, scoundrel, 25-30 years old.
Mary Andrews, (wife of Paul) female, artist who designs and makes quilts, 45-50 years old.
Paul Andrews, male, antique and antiquities dealer, 45-50 years old.
Bill Hanson, (husband of Jean) male, sculptor, 45-50 years old.
Jean Hanson, female, jewelry designer, 45- 50 years old.
Tom Hanson, (son of Bill and Jean Hanson) male, makes custom designer furniture, 25-30 years old
Sir Henry, male, famous Shakespearean actor, 50 or older
The Plantation
Act One, Scene One
(Office setting. Sign in the background says Real Estate Extraordinaire! One man sits at a desk but jumps up when another man comes in the door.)
Jimmy Jon
Calvin! It’s about time y’all got here! I must of called you two hours ago. Where you been?
Calvin
Where have I been? In case you forgot, this is a real estate office and I’ve been out showing the Old Jenkins place to some out of towners. Unfortunately they’re city folks and they seem to like modern conveniences such as air-conditioning and in-door plumbing and Old Man Jenkins didn’t.
Jimmy Jon
Forget about the Jenkins Place. That’s nothing compared to what I called you about. (Picks up some papers) Calvin, y’all are looking at a man that’s holding some papers that are so hot they’re burning my hands! Burning my hands! See that! (Throws them down on the table.) That’s how hot they are!
Calvin
(Sitting down)
Well don’t burn the desk with them -- we’re only renting this furniture.
Jimmy Jon
Will you quit joking around. This here is important. We’re being offered the deal of the century, man. Y’all are not gonna believe this!”
Calvin
Well, that ain‘t new -- I don’t believe most of what you tell me.
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Jimmy Jon
I’m serious, man. This here is big stuff. I got hold of a deal here that could make us rich. Are you familiar with the Plantation?
Calvin
The Plantation. You mean that place out towards the hills that’s got a big old Civil War time house
and about a hundred acres around it --Yep, I know it -- got a nice lake, too, full of catfish, if I recall correctly.
Jimmy Jon
Forget the catfish -- there’s a bunch of hippies or something living there now and I just got information from Billy Tyler down at the City Council office that some inquiries were made by a major developer asking just who owns the place.
Calvin
Billy Tyler! Billy “I never touched a drop of liquor in my life” Tyler! Always making a big to-do about not drinking and yet he’s the most under-handed, conniving son of a---
Jimmy Jon
Aw, Billy’s OK. He’s let me in on some good deals before and I’m promising him a kick-back as usual. Billy may not like liquor, but he sure does like money.
Calvin
All right, if you say so, but what’s a major developer gonna develop out at the Plantation anyhow? It’s not that close to the city and there’s no public transportation so--
Jimmy Jon
Not a problem, not a problem. I looked up the interested party on the Internet. It’s Ace Development. They’ve got a website.
Calvin
That’s no big deal -- everybody’s got a website. Ace Development -- I never heard of them.
Jimmy Jon
Well, neither did I till I looked them up. This here Ace Development is quite the company. They don’t
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just build houses --This company makes little towns -- I mean they put in single family houses,
townhouses, condos, swimming pools, a fitness center, the whole nine yards, including hourly bus transportation to the city to take people to work Next thing you know there’ll be a mini-mall, a school, probably a church so the people can pray to God they can make enough money to pay their outlandish mortgages -- I mean, like the old prospector said “Thar’s Gold In Them Thar Hills,
Sonny”! Do you catch my vision, Calvin? That developer has caught the vision and I’d stake anything on the fact that he will pay top dollar, do you hear me, TOP DOLLAR for that neat little parcel of land so close to the city. The city’s building up and the taxes are going sky high so everybody’s looking to move out, but where can they go? There ain’t no place. Nope Ace Development has done their homework and --
Calvin
Jimmy Jon! Jimmy Jon! I just caught your vision! I can see it all now --A suburban heaven -- a paradise --a place where the little kiddies can walk down tree lined streets to their perfect little houses with white picket fences and their AKC registered doggies, hourly bus service and a mini-mall. Why man I can’t wait! Gimme the phone I’m gonna call Ace Development right now and tell them that we’ll put through all the paperwork and we’ll sell the Old Plantation and the hundred acres for them at a discount price! Why if they act right now I‘ll knock off about a million or two.. Twenty per cent down, cash on the barrel head, no closing costs and we’ll hand the deed right over to them -- I will personally put it into their sweaty little hands-- oh wait -- I forgot -- we don’t have the deed -- now why is that? Oh yeah, that’s right -- we don’t happen to own the land and we don’t have any prospect of buying it.
Jimmy Jon
Sarcasm, sarcasm! See, Calvin, that’s the trouble with you. You’ve got no imagination. Quit being so
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negative and give it some thought. Those hippies out there at the Plantation don’t know anything
about Ace Development and we do. We can go out there right now and make them an offer.
Calvin
Not a bad idea, Jimmy Jon, except for one slight problem.
Jimmy Jon
And that is…
Calvin
What do we use for money?
Jimmy Jon
I knew you were gonna say that. No problem. I done the math and I figure if we mortgage your house and my house and take out a title loan on both of our cars ---
Calvin
Oh, hold on! Hold on, just a minute! My house is almost paid off and my car is a Corvette -- you all just bought your house three months ago. As a matter of fact even your little girl’s doll house has a mortgage on it! You’re so cheap you even told your kids that Santa Claus doesn’t make house calls anymore! And the car that you drive is nothing but a hoopdie!
Jimmy Jon
Why what’s wrong with my car -- that there is a trouble free set of wheels!
Calvin
You’re right -- trouble came free with that car. Why that car was made for three people -- one to drive and two to push! Your car is so old it needs upper and lower plates. I have a watch that runs better and faster! I don’t think--
Jimmy Jon
That’s your trouble, Calvin, y’all just don’t think. You are living proof that a man can live without a brain. I mean, you’re a pain the neck, and let me tell you, some people even have a lower opinion of you! Now, it doesn’t matter who puts in more money to buy the old place -- we’re both going to make millions off this deal. You see, those folks out at the Plantation are going to sell it to us for a
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song! Billy Tyler down at the City Council office also told me that the City is fixing to extend it’s
boundaries to make the Plantation part of the city. Those folks out at the Plantation are gonna find that their taxes have just quadrupled and they’re never gonna be able to pay them. They’ll have to sell.
Calvin
Well how can the City Council do that? The place is a good 40 miles outside the city.
Jimmy Jon
That’s the beauty of it, Calvin. Look at this here map. The city is gonna run a three foot strip along the road all the way out to the Plantation and then circle that hundred acres and make it part of the city.
Calvin
They can do that?
Jimmy Jon
They sure can. Not only can they, but they’re fixing to do it next month at the City Council meeting.
Calvin
Won’t the folks from the Plantation object?
Jimmy Jon
I suppose they would if they knew about it. But from what I hear from Billy, they don’t.
Calvin
How can that even be legal?
Jimmy Jon
I guess things are legal if you’ve got a lawyer to fight the illegal -- but that’s no matter to us. What we need to do is get out there and cash in on this deal before someone else hears about it. What do you say, Calvin?
Calvin
Seems like you’ve got it all mapped out, boy. What do I say?
(Sits quietly and thinks for a moment,
then stands up abruptly)
Why I say, let’s go buy a house.
Scene ends.
Page 6
Act One, Scene Two
(Setting: Daytime. At the Plantation. A living room setting with enough seating for seven people.)
Phyllis
So this is the famous Plantation you’ve been talking about -- it certainly does seem old.
Alice Finnerty
Well, yes, dear. Don’t you remember I told you that it was pre-Civil war. It’s at least 150 years old.
Phyllis
But why did you did you and James want to buy something so old and out of the way -- why you must be 40 miles from town -- oh, but it was probably James’s idea -- he hunts doesn’t he -- men always hunt --I remember all those stuffed animals he used to have at the old house --
Alice Finnerty
No, Phyllis, James doesn’t hunt. Actually if you remember, I believe that was Ralph, your third husband, who had all the hunting trophies. James still writes mystery novels. And James and I didn’t buy this house on our own. Last year we got together with some of our friends who were tired of slogging away at our 9 to 5 jobs, too, and we decided to look for a house that would be big enough for all of us to share. We pooled our money and found that this house was on the market and we bought it. It didn’t cost all that much because it was a fixer upper and it has 12 bedrooms, so no one really wanted it, but it’s been perfect for us.
Phyllis
Well, Alice, you’re my sister and all, but I do have to tell you, this place is still a fixer-upper, and I don’t see how you all can survive without a job. I mean it isn’t as if James has ever been much of a provider --
Alice Finnerty
Not much of a provider! Phyllis, you do know that five of James’ books have been on the Best Seller
list and he won the Mystery Book of the Month Club award two years in a row and --
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Phyllis
Yes, dear, but what does it pay? I mean who’s ever heard of the Book of the Month Club. My ex-husband used to say that reading not only causes eyestrain but that it stifles creativity.
Alice Finnerty
Which husband was that?
Phyllis
Harold -- the Fourth. Isn’t that funny. It makes him sound like a King or something.
Alice Finnerty
What did “Harold the Fourth” do for a living?
Phyllis
Well he was a shoe salesman at a very, very upscale shoe store at the mall. I mean only the highest class of people shopped there. Poor Harold. We were married for two years, you know. Why it seems like just yesterday. (Pause) And you know what a lousy day yesterday was. Anyhow, Harold was ten years younger than I was and I think that was the problem. Age does make a difference, you know.
Alice Finnerty
Do you mean he found a younger woman?
Phyllis
Oh dear me, no. Actually he joined the Navy because he believed the world wanted to see HIM!
Alice Finnerty
Yes, I remember Harold now -- James used to say that Harold was the kind of man you’d use as a blueprint if you wanted to build an idiot. But I wanted to ask you how things are going with you. In your letter you said you want to spend some time with us here and I notice Frank isn’t with you. You two aren’t having problems, are you?
Phyllis
Problems! My dear, Frank IS a problem. The man is vulgar, crude, cheap, and drinks too much -- and those are his good points. Do you know what he said to me last week? He said “You know, Phyllis,
drinking makes you beautiful.” And I said,” But I haven’t BEEN drinking.” And he said, “No, but I have.”
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Alice Finnerty
All right, Phyllis, if he’d been drinking he didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t you think you should talk it out with him, go to a marriage counselor or something. I mean he is your 6th husband and you were in love with him or you wouldn’t have married him.
Phyllis
No, Alice. I realized that I never knew what true happiness was until I got married -- and then it was too late. I think it’s better if I stay here for a while until he realizes what he’s missing. A few months on his own and he’ll come crawling back.
Alice Finnerty
A few months -- you don’t mean you plan to stay here that long. Er, I mean, won’t you get bored?
Phyllis
Bored? I never get bored! By the way what is it you said you all do around here? I hope someone plays golf, I’ve brought my clubs and you know how keen I am on golf.
Alice Finnerty
What do we all do around here? Well the idea behind all of us sharing this house is so that each of us can follow our dreams and do the kind of work we love to do. I still design greeting cards, and then there’s Mary Andrews-- she designs and sews her own line of quilts and her husband Paul deals in antiques. Bill Hanson is a sculptor and his wife Jean designs jewelry and their son Tom makes custom designer furniture. We all sell our products over the Internet and we’re doing quite well.
Phyllis
Sewing, painting, sculpting -- don’t you ever do anything just for fun?
Alice Finnerty
Remember the old saying, Make your play your work and you’ll never work again. We all love what we’re doing -- that’s why we’re here. Since we share our living expenses we can all do the kind of work that we want to do.
Phyllis
My word, you mean you just WORK all the time?
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James Finnerty
(Entering)
Yes, that’s exactly what we do, Phyllis. And we all share the housework, the cooking and the gardening chores, and -- to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit.
Phyllis
Well, James, how lovely to see you again. It’s been too long. Alice and I were just talking about you. She sent me your latest book and I’ve just finished reading it. It was really quite good. Tell me, dear, who helped you write it?
James Finnerty
Why, Phyllis, I’m so glad that you liked it. It’s always nice to hear that someone enjoys my books. Tell me, dear, who helped you read it?
Alice Finnerty
(Interjecting hurriedly)
James, Phyllis is going to be staying with us for a while and we can all chat later on, but right now don’t we have to get everyone together for a meeting. I mean we have to discuss what those two realtors had to say.
Phyllis
A meeting? Oh, how dreary. I don’t want to be a bother, Alice, so I’ll call my friend Helen and we can have a round of golf before you serve dinner. I’ll just use your car, James. I saw the keys on the hall table.
James Finnerty
MY car! Really, Phyllis, I don’t think --
Phyllis (exiting)
Oh, and by the way, what time is dinner served.
Alice Finnerty
Well, we don’t actually serve dinner. Around here we each take turns doing the cooking so if you’d like to help --
Phyllis
Alice dear, you know I’m perfectly helpless around the kitchen. Just tell me when I should be back.
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Alice Finnerty
We usually eat at 7, but the others might expect you to help like we all do so --
Phyllis
(Leaving)
Good enough! 7 it is. Enjoy your meeting, dear. Ta-ta!
James Finnerty
And the evil spirit exits stage left.
Alice Finnerty
Stage right, actually.
James Finnerty
Well you can’t say that Phyllis has improved with age. Why do you put up with her? And I must say that I can’t believe you invited her to stay here. Alice Finnerty
I didn’t invite her -- she invited herself. Apparently she’s been having some problems with her marriage. She probably won’t stay for very long. We’re a rather dull group compared to what she’s used to. But, she’s my sister, James, and she’s going through a rough patch with Frank.
James Finnerty
Phyllis IS a rough patch. I was going to say “poor Frank” but he’s probably in seventh heaven about now. But never mind all that -- we’ll all survive if she doesn’t stay too long. Right now we’d better get everyone together for that meeting. If what those realtors said is true we’ve got a big problem to solve.
(A young man comes into the room)
Tom Hanson(the young man)
Did I just hear that there’s trouble in paradise?
I thought we just had small problems here at the Plantation. What’s our Big Problem? I just signed a contract to make a dozen replicas of some 18th century writing desks at a very handsome price, so I’m in the mood to solve any problems, large or small, so bring ‘em on.
James Finnerty
Well, you might need to sell a few thousand writing desks to solve this one. We’ve had a visit from some real estate agents who want to buy the Plantation --
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Tom Hanson
Buy the Plantation? We’re not interested in selling, are we? I know that my parents wouldn’t want to sell and I certainly don’t want to. I mean this place has been perfect for us -- we’re all pretty happy with our lifestyles here. Who is it that wants to sell out?
James Finnerty
No one wants to sell, Tom -- that’s not it.
Tom Hanson
Well, if no one wants to sell, what’s the problem?
James Finnerty
Do you know of a Billy Tyler -- he’s some kind of consultant to the City Council. It seems that this Billy Tyler let two local real estate agents know that the City Council has decided to incorporate the Plantation into the city limits which means we’ll have to pay city taxes on the property.
Tom Hanson
City taxes! Why that would be incredible. There’s at least a hundred acres of land out here, not counting this huge house and all the outbuildings!
That’s why we moved this far out in the first place so we could avoid all the city property taxes. Are you sure those guys know what they’re talking about? I mean I DO know Billy Tyler. I went to high school with him. Actually his father was the town drunk. How can we be sure he’s not just shooting his mouth off?
Alice Finnerty
Well if you’re saying that Billy Tyler followed in his father’s footsteps, I know that isn’t so. I taught him in high school and he was against drinking of any kind, he made a big deal about it -- I suppose it was a rebellion against the way his father was. He always said he would never take a drink.
Tom Hanson
Maybe he should have -- he was always a jerk.
Alice Finnerty
No, they say that drinking reduces a person’s inhibitions and with all of his inhibitions still in place Billy Tyler was sneaky, nasty, mean, conniving --
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Tom Hanson
And a jerk.
James Finnerty
(holding up his index finger)
But a sober one.
Alice Finnerty
What I’m saying is that Billy obviously wasn’t drunk or crazy when he told the real estate agents about the change in the taxes. And I can’t see anything in it for him to lie about it. So he’s probably telling the truth.
James Finnerty
Those real estate agents were a little strange, but they seemed pretty sure of themselves. They probably had to pay Billy off for his insider information. I would guess that they want to make us a cash offer and then presumably resell it at a profit to someone who doesn’t know about the tax situation yet.
Alice Finnerty
Is that even legal?
James Finnerty
It’s legal -- not very ethical, but “let the buyer beware” and all that.
Tom Hanson
Still, I don’t get it. How can they possibly make us part of the city -- we’re at least 40 miles out of town. That’s crazy!
James Finnerty
Apparently not. They said it’s already been voted on and we’ll get our notice of the new taxes in the next quarter.
Tom Hanson
I don’t see how they can just vote something in like that and not give us a chance to even discuss it. Don’t they have to publish some kind of notice before there’s a vote on things like that? Can’t we fight it?
James Finnerty
I would think so, but maybe they did and we just didn’t see it. I mean, do YOU keep up with the legal notices in the newspaper? I sure don’t.
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Tom Hanson
Well, no. Actually, I read the sports section and the comics and just use the rest of the paper as a drop cloth.
James Finnerty
Right. Apparently we all missed it. They probably didn’t make the notice very obvious wherever they printed it -- probably did the least they could get by with to make it legal.
Tom Hanson
Something still doesn’t seem right about it.
(Mary and Paul Andrews, Bill and Jean Hanson and Alice all come filing into the room)
Paul Andrews
It sure doesn’t, Tom. Mary and I were talking and we don’t see how they can get away with this. I for one am in favor of starting some kind of investigation and looking into this thing. Those real estate agents seemed a little on the shady side to me. How can we be sure they’re telling the truth? I can contact my lawyer and see what he can find out.
James Finnerty
I feel like you do, Paul, but an investigation is a gamble. They could be telling the truth and if they are we will have wasted a lot of time. And I don’t see that we’ve got any time to play with. Plus it might be a good idea to keep this thing under our hat.
Jean Hanson
Why, what’s the big hurry. And why do we need to “keep it under our hat”? Shouldn’t we wait and see what Paul’s lawyer can find out and then see if there’s some way we can fight it?
Bill Hanson
Yes, I don’t know why we want to rush into anything. Personally I’ve got a pretty important art show next month that’s got me working day and night and I know all the rest of you are busy, so why don’t we wait a while and consider all of our options. Let’s let the legal eagles do the investigating and after we get their report we can decide what we want to do. No sense rushing into anything.
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Alice Finnerty
I know that we’re all busy trying to make a living, but I think what James and I are concerned with is this: If the taxes turn out to be outrageous--which I’m sure they will be-- we’re not going to be able to get a decent price for the house or the land. In fact, it may be pretty hard to sell it at all. Let’s face it, we got it on the cheap because this house is really just a white elephant unless someone comes along that wants to have three families living together like we do. We’re not exactly the average homebuyers, you know. Those real estate agents didn’t seem to be all that sharp -- maybe we should go with what they’re offering before they find out that --
Mary Andrews
Yes, yes, why do we want to wait until the price goes down! I say we cut our losses and --
(Sound from out in the hallway)
Phyllis
Is it all right if I take a few practice swings in your foyer? The ceiling looks high enough!
Unknown Voice(Sir Henry)
See! How she leans her cheek upon her glove,
O! that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
Yes, take all the practice swings you want, you charming wench. There’s plenty of room.
(Startled, everyone looks from one to another)
Jean Hanson
What in the world!
Mary Andrews
Who said that?
Alice Finnerty
Oh, it’s just my sister Phyllis -- she’s waiting for Helen Miller to pick her up, they’re going to play golf before dinner.
Tom Hanson
I recognized her voice, but who just told her to take some practice swings in the ---
Sir Henry (Enters)
It was I, of course, who told her to take her practice swings in the foyer. One must practice, you know.
Page 15
James Finnerty
What! Who in the world are you?
Sir Henry
I, sir, am Sir Henry Gibson. And you need not introduce yourselves -- I know who you all are, thank you just the same.
Bill Hanson
But -- But how did you get in here?
Sir Henry
How did I get in here? My dear man, I live here.
James Finnerty
You LIVE here? What in the world are you talking about? You can’t possibly live here -- we’ve never even seen you before!
Sir Henry
My good man, of course you haven’t seen me. I live on the top floor -- in what used to be the nursery.
Mary Andrews
The nursery! Why that’s not possible. We’ve been through this entire house and there’s no nursery on the top floor.
Sir Henry
Ah, my dear woman, you are quite mistaken. The former owners covered up the door to the stairs that lead up to the top floor and the nursery, so you certainly have never been through the entire house. It’s most difficult to locate unless you know where to look.
Paul Andrews
Then you’re a squatter -- I’d like to know just how long have you’ve been trespassing on our property.
Sir Henry
Squatter! Trespassing! I must object to that characterization. You don’t understand the situation, of course. The fact is that I OWN the top floor of this house.
Bill Hanson
That’s impossible. We own this house. We have the deed to prove it. You can’t possibly own any part of it.
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